Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
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Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.