Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
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US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Why is peter pan always flying?
He neverlands.
I like this joke because it never grows old.
Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me