Just signed an executive order that the dog can no longer use the litterbox.
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There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Robots are now performing major surgeries, which means my dream of having the Fox NFL robot give me a prostate exam is closer than ever.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Ouija boards are like unannounced phone calls for ghosts
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”