Just signed an executive order that the dog can no longer use the litterbox.
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Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??