Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
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Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Two types of dogs.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Every. Damn. Time.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.