Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes

Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.

Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”

What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.

Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?

“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”

I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”

Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?

I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor

It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.

If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!

“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”

ME: So you’re into football?

DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.

ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.

HER: I need to see other people.

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.

Her: Was your child gifted?

Me: No, we had him naturally

they should schedule doctor appts like

DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40

[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]

me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day

movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else

Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.

Me: *sends a pic of my bills*

I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”

sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer

The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”

Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.

{first date}

Him: I’m 100% Italian.

*trying to impress him*

Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone

Cat: [coughing up a hairball]

French tutor: very good

The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.

So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: i get everyone fired

ex professor: what wait no

You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.