Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
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I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
a McRib killed my tapeworm
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list