“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
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Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.
Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people