Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
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I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.