– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
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You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Battery falling down a hole
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
You can’t rush stupid.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”