Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 7yo casually told me he added a parachute to my Amazon cart that needed to be purchased soon with no additional explanation.

Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.

i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs

Therapist: So why are you guys here?

Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.

Him: This is our first date?

I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.

I named him Gasper.

Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”

As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.

[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality

*Screaming at kids at soccer practice

LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.

cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”

I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.

When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.

me: *nauseated from eating too much*

also me: did you say cake?

All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.

Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.

I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.

One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.

The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.

[Snake Owners Club]

Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.

[Me & like 3 other guys leave]

wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?

I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this

My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler

(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight

Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep

okay run it by me one more time

When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.

credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work

me: hm ok. any other options?

company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho

me: uhh

company: try simply tapping your card

me: but does it-

company: this has NEVER worked

Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help

me: I need to speak with the megaster

megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers