Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?

If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.

I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.

Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁

OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE

There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.

I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed

[first date]

her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?

me : at our daughter’s piano recital

Thin eyeliner today.

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*covers entire face.

First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.

Women: You didn’t need that rule.

FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.

COP: How can you be sure?

GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.

For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.

PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.

[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray

ACCEPTABLE RISK

Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.

“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”

I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.

Jehovah’s fitness.

Me: I’m depressed

Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA

Me: How will that help?!

Doctor: Who’s a good boy?

Me: I AM

Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.

My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.

and now we wait

Me: I’m Gen-X

Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now

Me: No, it means I…

Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest

Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…

Prince William: Definitely not racistly!

My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer

Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.

Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?

Me: did I look like I was paying attention?

The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.

My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.

Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.

Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?

Me: one’s for you

Him: and the other one?

Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.

My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird