Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus loves me. This I know.

For my neighbor told me so.

Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.

I’m flattered…but straight.

Trumpy Cat

Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair

The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.

If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.

when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus

[making out on couch]

me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉

date: yes 😉

me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand

[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]

me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked

[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab

Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.

wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap

THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.

me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT

Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.

Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?

“I bumped into your wife yesterday”

“Oh, where?”

“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”

“Yes”

“Opposite that café”

A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.

dvd? why are the Ds fighting??

I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.

My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.

Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis

We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”

hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress

it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th

My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering

Video games don’t cause violence, but they do teach you that it’s important to always loot the corpse.

Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.

My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.

I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.

Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas

People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me

absolutely not

Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?

Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep