Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.

My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats

Wikigenius

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”

“Just dashing to the shops”

Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]

Man [grabs car keys]

by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance

I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.

Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees

I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??

Wife: ugh I feel fat

Me: please take your hands off me

But my sandwich is so dry!

“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”

I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.

How To Avoid Dating

●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.

[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money

69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.

*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*

How my wife saves money:

Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.

Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?

*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*

KILLER [burying me alive]:

ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.

KILLER [calls the police]:

Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack

Jack: 🥶

Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now

chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”

son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet

me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months

*ninja group therapy

Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!

ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are

ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope

By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.

ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5

12YO: that’s not how it works

ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?

12YO: both?

So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?

son: i caught a tadpole!

me: actually that’s a dadpole

son: i’m confused

*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad

WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above

but whales can’t sink a sub

ORCAn they?