Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that

If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk

Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’

Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’

I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.

There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.

Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator

[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*

“How are you doing on Depends bud?”

PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”

ME: “31.”

P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”

M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”

didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now

[After Sex]

Him: how was it for you?

Shakira’s hips: well…

Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—

My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us

Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”

Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.

there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies

Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.

It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.

[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

[ER Triage Room]

NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?

GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now

[Restaurant]

Date: I like guys who plan ahead

Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after

mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes

20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !

40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !

After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own

how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before

This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it

Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.

Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?

I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.

*gets on knees and undoes your belt*

As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.

Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.