Just so funny
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Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.
Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.