Just so funny
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It was worth a shot 😂
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
I love art.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?