Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.

I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario

[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]

Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?

Husband: These would be your Sister Wives

“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.

Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot

Lady Macbeth: out

Macbeth: but-

Lady Macbeth: OUT

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.

To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.

You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”

I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”

So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”

You know. Like a book.

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.

“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.

*bakes 12 cookies*

*waits for family to come home*

*eats 12*

*family arrives*

5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”

“Weird! Here’s a salad.”

we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”

*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid

Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.

My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..

..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!

When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.

Cauliflower: *ring ring*

Textiflower: *ping*

Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.

Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.

Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?

Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped

Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then

I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.

Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!

Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.

According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.

[bear approaches]

friend: make yourself look big!

me: YOURSELF

[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me

You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

SUPER DANCE OFF??

Cop: OH YEAH

OH YEAH?

Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.

oh no