Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
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Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
I’m a succubus but instead of sexual acts I lure you with my awkwardness and instead of stealing your soul, I steal your tacos
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
A community gardening co-op called Weed ‘em & Reap
[during a plane crash]
Guy sitting next to me: HOLY SHIT WE’RE GOING DOWN
Me: [leaning over] You gonna finish those cashews?