@OneTrickTofani

Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me

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@Jenny4ashley

Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.

@chelliet22

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

@Brohamulet

I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.

@aveuaskew

Jury duty

[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!

@TylerLinkin

What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.

@inmyimage007

I’m a succubus but instead of sexual acts I lure you with my awkwardness and instead of stealing your soul, I steal your tacos

@WhatsHerFace33

A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!

Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.

@ComedicBust

[during a plane crash]

Guy sitting next to me: HOLY SHIT WE’RE GOING DOWN

Me: [leaning over] You gonna finish those cashews?