Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
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Acronyms got me like WTF?
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.