Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me

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Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.


I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.


I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.


Jury duty

[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!


What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.


I’m a succubus but instead of sexual acts I lure you with my awkwardness and instead of stealing your soul, I steal your tacos


A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!

Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.


[during a plane crash]

Guy sitting next to me: HOLY SHIT WE’RE GOING DOWN

Me: [leaning over] You gonna finish those cashews?