Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
You Might Also Like
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
got so much cardio in today
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Just checked my bank account. Looks like everyone’s getting a hug for Christmas.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?