Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
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Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
✌🏽
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Lassie, get help!