@NintenDom

Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.

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@WilliamAder

If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.

@LMLMadness

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.

@noog

Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.

@murrman5

how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”

@arcadeseals

me: [being murdered] tell my gf i love her

wife: [murdering intensifies]

@Reverend_Scott

And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.

@DudeImShawn

Live today like it’s your last.

Pay your bills and wear a condom just in case it isn’t.

@Carbosly

There is no life on earth without water.nBecause without water, there is no coffee.nAnd without coffee, I’ll kill you all.

@mindflakes

The key to any successful relationship is to prevent your partner from being carried away by a large bird