If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
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Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
me: [being murdered] tell my gf i love her
wife: [murdering intensifies]
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Live today like it’s your last.
Pay your bills and wear a condom just in case it isn’t.
There is no life on earth without water.nBecause without water, there is no coffee.nAnd without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
The key to any successful relationship is to prevent your partner from being carried away by a large bird