Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
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Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding