Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”

the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

“See you on the other side…”

~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone

*lays down on the battlefield*

You all go on without me. I’m tired.

If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.

I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.

“Nevertheless”

~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie

Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant

Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF

Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]

Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME

If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.

If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.

Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.

I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.

My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.

Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.

No one told me my life would become so much googling it

in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.

Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.

If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”

I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.

It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.

You win again, life.

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as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit

My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed

Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this

saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈

[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME

“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?

I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm

Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.