Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
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Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
#SaturdayBears
