Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
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A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning