Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
*jazz hands*
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
congratulations to them
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
