Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pharaoh: over my dead body!

pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.

Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.

Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.

Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.

You’re never too old to follow your dreams.

If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.

Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?

All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.

*points to person jogging outside through the snow*

“Look kids, a lunatic”

they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*

During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter

Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.

Brain: you adorable idiot.

anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ

A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene

Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

Me: The doctor said that because of the anesthesia, I should just lay around all day reading and watching Saved by the Bell

TwinzerMom: Wasn’t it just a local anesthetic?

Me: I mean, I’m not the one with the medical degree, so who am I to question?

Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄

hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”

Women are like campfires.

Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.

And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.

Mostly.

i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64

BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats

[music store]

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: sir, that’s a mandolin

DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.

BARTENDER: Olive or twist?

DICKENS: *looks into camera*

Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?

Calamarie Kondo: What

Welcome to your fifties…

AT 10PM WE SLEEP

AT DAWN WE PEE

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m super chill

professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?

me: yeah man

professor x: what?

me: [nodding] yeah

Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.

[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?

One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.

My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.

There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.