Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*

PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.

Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice

*calls lost & found*

Me: Have you seen my patience?

L&F: Hold on a second.

Me: *click*

The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.

Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?

You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!

This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.

I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”

[date]

“don’t let her know ur from twitter”

Her: whats wrong?

Me: This fork only has 3 prongs

Her: So?

Me: it should be called a threek

Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.

I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.

I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.

In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.

I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.

As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips

me: can I give your dog a pet?

him: sure

me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*

dog: thanks

If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.

I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish

ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?

JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective

[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea

Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…

Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.

Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.

If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”

I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.

My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.

To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does

Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille

Oh thanks BBC.

Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules