Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
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INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.