Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
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I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”