Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
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DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes![]()
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
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I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement