Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
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why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*
Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it