Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
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My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Just as the prophecy foretold
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.