Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.
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A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.