Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.

I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.

went to a dinner last night and we are struggling

Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.

The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk

When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard

My second thought is virgin wizard

“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”

Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?

Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.

Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again

I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.

I call it my trampoline stamp.

Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?

Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.

Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.

Not one.

The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.

When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother

You: What happened to your hand?

Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.

Life hack :

Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.

Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.

Always the barmaid, never the bar.

I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.

what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”

good morning

Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.

1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.

2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.

3. Death is an added advantage.

ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26

HIM: I’m a running back.

ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.

My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.

I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.

People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.

Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert

I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.

*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*

Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.