Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.
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Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”