Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter

Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.

People:

I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…

I’m back.

It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..

Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…

Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.

Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha

Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha

Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park

my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed

Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.

Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage

Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.

ME: I’m off to that meeting

BOSS: Forget something?

M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]

B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you

Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.

“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner

DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.

whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist

Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.

Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake

Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable

I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.

I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.

…or queso.

…or salsa.

…or dill pickles.

…or Jeff Goldblum.

…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.

I ain’t picky.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

that’s it, I’m firing that gardener

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right

Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?

Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.

Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.

Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.

Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.

I’ll stop now.

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

[my last day as a transplant surgeon]

Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”

Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.