Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
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I’m never leaving this app.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Still hold my high school’s record for shortest javelin toss.
Muppet Screams
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.