“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
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Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”
AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”