“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
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I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
It’s like my therapist always says, that’ll be $175
I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!