“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
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*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Passwords are more important than ever.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring