Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
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Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets