Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
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Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Mad Max: Furry Road
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
