Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.

[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*

I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you

i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form

No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.

Doctor: do you exercise?

Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks

Doctor:

Me: cronchies

Doctor: I’m gonna put no

Me: ok

I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game

Dear People who like me,

I appreciate every single two of you.

if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.

You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.

[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.

[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this

How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?

10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*

Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.

My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair

Inside you there are two wolves

When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.

KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin

Bear Family: what’s our cover?

KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper

Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.

Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’

How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?

I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?

A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.

Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together

Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to

[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down

Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice

It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”

That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.