Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
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TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.
Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.
“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.
Blindsided me.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.