Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.

You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”

Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet

lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake

Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”

Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?

Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.

“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”

My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁

Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set

Light as a feather, smorg as a board

I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.

My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this

me: do you have spaghetti?

mcdonalds cashier: …no

me: would you like some?

Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.

Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.

[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]

A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

Mission control: what’s happening up there??

Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem

Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January

Chess in Australia must be hard.

“Check, mate”

“Checkmate?”

“What?”

“Huh?”

A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house

I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.

You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.

if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot

Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.

You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.