Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam

*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac

Bootstraps

Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?

“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.

My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.

My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife

[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO

I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet

gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*

the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos

Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.

Me:

Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…

Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.

A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.

My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.

I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.

My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.

Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.

Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?

Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.

I got a sweater for Christmas.

I’d asked for a screamer or a moaner.

Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.

Children: Wait what?

Me: What?

The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg

I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.

My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.

They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.

Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.

The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!

8-12yo’s apparently

I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.

* shows up with flowers

Wife: Are we going to the hospital?

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.