Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.

oh, you’re in a situationship?

are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?

Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.

Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.

*takes a nap

Made my day..

I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs

Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.

Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.

Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.

I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.

Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.

I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.

Kid: We never have anything good to eat!

Me: Go shake your car seat out.

Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”

just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money

{batman walking downstairs}

“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”

[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]

Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”

Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?

Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that

took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name

DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.

My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.

She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.

It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.

*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*

*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*

1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM

Him: What’s your cup size?

Me: Venti

*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*

Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—

*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.

You: *sneezes*

Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.

If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.

When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s

[several hours later]

time management.