Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What personal space?

My dog

Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?

Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary

[Doing a crossword quiz]

Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.

Me: “faaark”?

Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.

Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.

Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.

I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro

This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart

I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.

Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”

Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”

Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-

Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?

Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.

I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.

I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔

Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.

Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me

Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks

He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.

And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.

*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend

7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?

ME: slowly

7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?

My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.

Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.

me: my cup runneth over…

sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.

Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it

fellas, if your girl:

•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so long

she’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom

If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.

I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here

The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.

I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”

Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.

A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.