Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.

I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.

[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight

[11:00pm] yay i did it!

[11:01pm] *preheats oven*

So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed

You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.

Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.

Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.

I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat

Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.

Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”

Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”

How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*replaces battery*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*takes battery back out*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER

Smoke Detector:

Me:

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….

… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.

the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter

Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.

Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*

Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.

12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?

A satisfactory.

[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea

Happens to everyone.

That time Alicia messaged me

[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming

sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go

You had ONE job!

– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.

[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]

What if you could just pretend to eat?

“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”

-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine

Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.

Luke: But why?

Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.