Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
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Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Voting is the worst group project
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
There’s a scientist with the same name as me, so whenever I Google myself, the results are like:
“Our Top Ten Dad Jokes!”
“Neat Sci-Fi Story!”
“High CO2 and the geochemistry of the coralline algae Lithothamnion glaciale”
“Fire Dept Saves Man With Head Stuck In Chicken Bucket”
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy