Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
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Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??