Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.

Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.

I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.

My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Also my husband:

Me: *clears throat*

Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???

I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️

😊🦆

me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg

me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie

i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community

Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.

I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.

I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.

“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”

Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”

“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”

I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.

How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.

I had to Stop for this

Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.

My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.

s
o

c

i

a

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Him: You have such a beautiful soul.

Me: It’s photoshopped.

To err is human… To not know what err means is American.

Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down

Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name

~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare

WIFE: The police are at the front door

ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?

Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

[using Apple Pay]

Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple

People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.

Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”

Suez Canal: what the hell?

container ship: PARKOUR!

Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me