Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
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My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
in the ocean
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
me hitting on a model
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!