Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
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me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
💀🤣
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.
🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it