Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
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Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
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i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What