Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
You Might Also Like
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
I’m going to need a moment here.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Every BBC series about the universe.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.