Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
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The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]
I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.