Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
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Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”
I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.