Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜

Police charged me with postmeditated murder because I meditated first.

Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.

Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time

My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.

I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.

And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.

No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.

Scariest things in the world:

1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes

I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.

Love this joke:

Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!

Him: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.

My kid: You know what I’m thinking??

Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?

Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers

Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??

Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER

by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids

Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear

Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.

[12 seconds later]

“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”

[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?

Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.

I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.

*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*

TWO hops this time?

In this economy?

Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]

Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]

Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.

Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.

I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.

You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.

Dad:

Mom:

Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-

Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?

Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?

I would never have a swear jar as

1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and

2. Imply that I have spare change.

Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.

Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.

Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.