Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
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My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down