@metickleu

Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!

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@that1bish27

“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.

@aotakeo

3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch

@dafloydsta

[at a bar]

ME: I’m gonna ask that girl out.

FRIEND: Okay, but don’t be weird.

SOCK PUPPET ON MY HAND: And don’t say anything stupid.

@TheSweetestD_

Reasons to jump:

1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you

@SamInspired

Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.

Universe: Hold my beer.

@midnitesoc

“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”

@jobrowneyes

*Arrives in Hell*

Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math

@underrateDad

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 4,917 times and you’re probably my kids.

@XplodingUnicorn

My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.

She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.

Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.