“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
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3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
[at a bar]
ME: I’m gonna ask that girl out.
FRIEND: Okay, but don’t be weird.
SOCK PUPPET ON MY HAND: And don’t say anything stupid.
Reasons to jump:
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 4,917 times and you’re probably my kids.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.