Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
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One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.