Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook

Introducing ManBat

A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)

*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*

Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.

People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.

And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”

On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.

Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.

Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.

*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors

Fellow senior citizens:

If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.

You don’t need to push your lifealert button.

My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life

“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.

There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango

Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?

Wife: he gives me no privacy

Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true

TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT

*pets your eyebrows*

there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok

I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.

Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.

The funk soul brother

Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.

“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.

Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’

surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”

Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.

I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.

first you must answer his riddles

SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!

ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol

I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.