Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
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“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Ion see the issue
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
If you’re alone on Thanksgiving, venmo me $25 and I’ll call and ask you when are you gonna get a “real” job and give me grandchildren.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball