Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.

Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.

i meant to share this earlier

When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear

Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?

[Pulls away from kissing]

So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?

“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist

When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”

losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story

[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]

all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER

do u think theres a butter planet?

The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.

4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out

“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”

ME: *starts vaping*

guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse

[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE

“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake

I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”

There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.

If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.

You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.

Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”

Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time

Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.

If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.

Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.

First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.

my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.

TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.