Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
You Might Also Like
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
no exceptions
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).