Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
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*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
wow he looks just like him
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.