Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
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My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns