Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.

“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”

Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up

Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!

My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.

Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.

Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.

(genuine human laughter)

Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.

I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃

that de-escalated quickly

I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.

Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.

My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.

Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.

My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.

I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.

According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.

People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire

My love language is Latin. It’s dead.

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram

If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.

older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies

A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.

[1776]
America: We want the British out

[1931]
Australia: We want the British out

[1947]
India: We want the British out

[2020]
Britain: We want the British out

detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you

me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh

victim: well he had large forearms

me: oh thank christ

Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”

Now, ask me the question

Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.

Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.

Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.

Ooh I do like a good funnel

Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?

I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.